heart to heart conversations are too few these days. Torin, Jed, and I had one last night. Call us chicks or sentimental or whatever, but i enjoyed it. What i didnt enjoy was going to sleep at 6 am because we talked so much. What torin is going through and what he said pretty much exactly reminds me of myself. Im not super attractive. Im not really extraordinary in any sense. I think that torin is though. One of the smartest people i know. He's skinny, fit, and pretty ripped too. So, kind of like what I aim for in a way. To hear him say that he didnt think that he was particularly attractive or special in any sort of way made me think: maybe people do think that i am attractive or talented or whatever. I never really wanted to make that assumption because it seemed pretty arrogant. Theres a fine line between being realistic and optimistic, and arrogant. After yesterday, i realize that yes, i have my flaws, but i do have some advantages. What torin said about how the girl he liked being perfection and how perfection should have to settle for him got me thinking as well. What if someone out there thinks of us as "perfection"? thats scary and flattering to think about. What if one of the girls im interested in right now sees me in that light? it's so hard because theres no real foolproof way to tell. I do like some girls in my own grade, but most of the girls i am interested in are younger than me. i used to feel weird about this. i mean, im a whole 4 yrs older than a freshman. but then i thought, my parents are 10 yrs apart and there are plenty of couples like that in the world. So assuming that theyre in a younger grade, i guess i do have a few advantages that i never really considered. I'm a senior. im like the top dog. the fucking shit. i guess im kind of a badass sometimes. at least thats wat people say, idk why though. and i guess im decently popular and liked. i heard that it was a close thing when they voted on homecoming court. which really surprised me by the way. i didnt think anyone would vote for me. i guess im fit ish. im humorous, very dry humor, but humor is humor. my speech impediment seems like a major flaw, but something on formspring said that it was charming. im fairly musically educated. im decent at the piano. and by decent i mean that im pretty dam good for my age and i dont think theres anyone at school who is better than me, but im not professional quality...yet. i guess i can sing. i dont think i was placed correctly, but vocal ensemble has to mean something right? im getting sleepy, so ima take a nap now :)

senior year already! being a senior is awesome. you're the top dog lol. i have major senioritis. i could probably make it into cal state long beach or san diego state on piano. actually, im almost positive i could. but idk,, i kinda wanna go to el camino for 2 yrs. i dont feel like being super hardcore right out of high school. i wanna live a little. first day back was great. ive already met lots of cute girls hehe :3 i have friends in all of my classes. i feel a little self conscious in vocal ensemble because everyone is uber good and i feel like im a mortal in olympus. bass clarinet is actually really fun. im glad im doing it. bass trombone is NOT fun. it sucks major ballsac. like major, fat, saggy, sweaty ballsac :'( first day after school, i went to in and out with antonio and steven. hanging with different crowds. kinda like kenny. hopefully i make him proud. i wanna lose weight too, but im too lazy to do it lol. wow, this is really stream of consciousness writing. i wish i didnt have acne and i wish i had an even tan. most of all, i wish my speech impediment would disappear. its annoying as fuck and its embarassing, humiliating, and prevents me from being who i really am.

im fucking pissed off at life. without the small amount of self control martial arts has taught me, my house wouldnt be in one piece right now. i still feel that rage, hot and burning in me. next person to piss me off is gonna get my fist shoved down that throat, backed by the force of 17 years of injustice and rage.

tumblr

im gonna use tumblr from now on so i probly wont post here very often or again. the link is www.roshaxbasho.tumblr.com

tumblr

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/memoriesofbasho

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/memoriesofbasho

i dont even care what happens this week. i just want spring break to be here so i can be with some of my closest friends.

do you know how it feels to wake up in the morning and know exactly what you want to do, but also no that its impossible? i do. every morning i think about that when i wake up.i cant achieve my dreams without my parents' support. sometimes i wonder why even try. there isnt a point. tyrants dont deserve to rule. neither do madmen.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/memoriesofbasho

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/memoriesofbasho

so apparently my mom can somehow tell if im oon facebook or aim or blogger or formspring or anything other than school related sites. so she says im not allowed to associate with my friends online. and im already not allowed to associate with them in person for the most part. she is a tyrant and someday that people will rise up and overthrow her. tyrants dont deserve to rule. neither do madmen. and she is both.

fist of justice

thats what i wish i had. if i could have a fist that could fix every injustice, id be so happy. this world isnt fair. and im fine with that most of the time. but sometimes im not. im NOT fine with how love can be stolen and shattered. im NOT ok with people using other people to achieve a certain end. im NOT ok with my best friend on this planet being depressed when he's the best friend i could ask for. im NOT ok with the fact that my training doesnt pay off. im NOT ok with the drugs and alchohol related crimes that go on in my school. im NOT ok with how my mom ruins my day every time i have a good day before i see her. and im NOT ok with how my mom shattered my hopes and dreams. the list could go on forever. not only could it, it does. sometimes, u learn something about someone and you want to pummel them. jeff, you're probly not reading this but if you are, then know that you are one of those people to me. you tried to rape someone who i used to care about with all my heart. some of my friends say that you're just oblivious and dont know whats right and wrong. i think thats BULLSHIT. you can tell right and wrong. of that i am sure. what separates us from animals? is it emotion? no, animals feel too. is it our bodies? no, if anything, animals have better bodies than we do. so what is it? morality. a conscience. the ability to tell right from wrong and to act on it accordingly. without that, we are nought but dumb animals that walk on two legs. in my eyes, you are exactly that. i usually dont post things here about people i like in case they read it and they get freaked out. this time, i dont really care. theres a girl. a girl i used to like a lot. i still like her, but shes with someone. now that someone tried very hard to get her and was eventually successful, but i still cant shake that feeling that she made a mistake and she shouldve chosen me. but i was too pussy to tell her how i felt so i didnt even give her the choice. i found out that someone tried to rape her. the way she said it implied that the person who tried to rape her was the person she chose over me. i felt a moment of vicious, savage joy, knowing that i was right. then, i felt shock. im not as close to this girl as i would like to be. but im glad she opened up to me, even if it was just a little. then, i felt a rage. how DARE he do this to her. i didnt contest it when he tried so hard to get her because i thought in my heart that he could and would take care of her. instead, he violated her. she became depressed and tried to kill herself. the rage i felt at that. my fist, filled with justice or hatred, i really couldnt care less which one, wanted to lash out at him. but i wont. because like always, i have to be the bigger person. this shit is getting annoying. to the girl, if you're reading this and you found out that i like you and you're freaked out, im sorry. thats all i can really say. and to jeff, i was on the verge of forgiving you. but after i learned about what you did, it aint happening. dont try anything funny on me. i may be a small guy, but i can do some damage. ive given you a second chance by letting us not be enemies. if you try anything on me, there wont be a third.

another wiz rehearsal. fun times. i had a small conversation with one of my friends afterwards. i hadnt talked to them for a while so it was nice. they opened up to me a little bit too. they probly open up to a lot of ppl like that too, but it makes me feel good when ppl open up to me. i wish i could help them. ive gone through almost the exact same thing that they have, but i dont know her that well so she probly wont come to me for help. i found out a few things today that really changed my view of people. i hated jeff for a long time. favor, not mohan. he cheated me of my happiness and love. i wanted to pummel him. however, recently, ive been almost ready to forgive him. tonite, i learned that he tried to rape someone. someone i used to love. i dont love them anymore, but still, something like that is disgusting. he ever tries that shit with anyone i care about, ill demolish him. i also found out something else very, disturbing. something that i dont want to share right now. if u really want to know then ask me about it. but i am angry. i want revenge and retribution. life isnt fair. justice doesnt exist. happiness is but a fleeting thing, as fickle as the tide. the reason i train, and the reason i do martial arts it to make life more fair. to distribute justice where i deem it to b neccessary. and i will distribute justice soon.

hiatus

my mom broke my laptop so it'll b awhile before i post anything on this. i dont know what im going to do to vent now :/

my mom is mentally unstable and most likely insane. she doesnt want me to socialize with friends via facebook, or txts, or phone calls, or hanging out. shes even against me having a blog and email. she is a tyrant, and she deserves to be hung.

i need a way to get out of the mess that im in. my future is dull. my parents are oppressing me and i need to find a way to break free of that oppression. if i dont, my future will be ruined forever.

band concert tonite. i fucked it up. well the chair thing wasnt my fault. but march militaire sounded shitty and i think that was partially my fault. also, my mom never said good job or anything. i actually suspect that she just came and picked me up and didnt go inside. things at home r tense. and things at school suck. my speech impediment is frustrating to say the least. i wish it was another obstacle i could just pound to the ground and beat. but i cant. im not depressed right now, but im pretty down. i hope my depression isnt coming back. i was feeling my worst today, when my phone vibrated. it was my hyung, kenny, and he sent me a txt asking if i was alrite. i find that amazing as he had no way of knowing wat was going on with me. hes in san diego and i havent told anyone he talks to. i was at the point where i was about to give up and just dgaf the rest of junior yr and i wouldnt get a car in the summer but watevs. but that txt pushed me from that and im gonna try. even if i fail. and i probly will. but he would want me to give it my all. my best friend sent me a txt apologizing for being a shitty friend. if hes reading this, let me say this. you are an awesome friend mike. you have helped me through so much, from 4th grade till now. we might not hang as much and we might not see each other too often, but you are my best friend. i consider you, torin, jed, jon, wayne, and our little group as brothers, closer than my real family and if u need to talk, im all ears. dont hesitate. im gonna go eat now. peace guys.

one-x

as i was going for my run tonight, the song one-x by three days grace came on shuffle. i had actually never heard it before and i found i could really relate to its lyrics. a lot of three days grace lyrics relate to me. one-x is about how you feel alone and theres no one like you, but there are plenty of people. and it ends in a major key but starts in a minor key so it goes from emo to hopeful. animal i have become is one of my anger songs that i play when im mad and i punch my bag or something. when i get truly angry, im like an animal. no control, no logic, just rage. its amazing how music can totally change someones mood. also, im supes sore from my run. mostly cuz i did like 150 squats down the soccer field. ima be sore tomorrow. sigh...

lost

i dont even know where im going. i feel like im lost. im trying to keep the basho, but its hard when im so out of shape and rusty. im a failure and a disappointment to those close to me. my best is nowhere near good enough.

its been a while since i posted here. mainly because of all the shit thats goin on with my life these day. my mom has gone insane. she took away my piano lessons and my math tutor because of my low grades, especially in math. now how can i do better without my friggin tutor? i cant. shes being counterproductive. and the path of universities based on grades r closed for me and now shes cutting off my option for a conservatory too. shes ruining my future. and my best friend seems to be drifting farther and farther from me. its like he doesnt wanna hang out anymore. idk. fuck my life.

i hate my parents. i dont care what God's scripture says about honoring them. parents, by definition, are people who are supposed to nurture you, care for you, and support you. my "parents" definitely do not fit these standards. After gospel camp, i was really trying to become a better christian. countless times i held back words of anger, depressing thoughts, and actions stemming from anger. now thanks to my parents, my efforts are in vain. today, i uttured some very hateful and angry words, thought some very depressing thoughts, and my actions are beggining to look more and more like the old, violent, reckless me. my day was decent. i got through all of my classes, i went to my piano place and practiced for 4 hours after school. the moment i got home, my mom started harassing me about my grades. i know that theyre bad. i think i know the MOST. shes saying that if i dont get my grades up by tomorrow, she'll take away my piano lessons and not support my career choice. which shows how wholeheartedly shes supporting me now. she claims not to care about my grades anymore too, which is just a blatant lie. a REALLY blatant lie. so its pretty much this. since my grades are so bad, it'll b hard to get into a good college for any academic subject or based on my transcript. so that option is closed. and now, shes threatening to take away my dream, and probably my only other option for college. so shes demanding things of me but she is making the situation so that it's impossible for me to succeed. every time my sister acts up, she takes it out on me. she says im setting a bad example. thoreau wrote in his essay "civil disobedience" that if a government treats it people unjustly or that it contradicts itselfs by its own actions, then revolution is not bad. it is needed. i cant revolt though. until im an adult, i need their money, shelter, and food. not that im getting much else anyways. they're disinterested in me as a person. im just a thing. an it. while my sister is showered in love. i do not resent her for it either. its not her fault. its theirs. im their fuck up. their mistake. whatever. if i ever make it big, Ill thank my friends and other people, but i will disown my "parents". my mom hasnt listened to wat ive had to say for the past 7 yrs. she JUST let me finish was i was saying the other night. and she was angry at my views on most things. she says that my opinions are wrong. that in itself is wrong. u cant have a wrong opinion. and my dad? all he does is bring me down. the day of 8th grade promotion, all the other parents were cheering for their kids, and praising them, no matter how badly they had done in middle school. my parents yelled at me for being a failure and a piece of shit son. ill be surprised if they even show up to my high school graduation. so my mom was saying all this ridiculous drivel and it made me so mad. to the point of breaking. i didnt quite snap, but im close. i punched a wall for the first time in a year. not hard, not with the intention of breaking anything, but i did punch it. it might lead to more bruising which will make my dreams of being a pianist even harder to accomplish. them being such bitches about my schoolwork makes me want to not try just to make them angry and disappointed. they ruined my math course for my high school years. and my science course. right now, i should be in ap calc. but they took a vacation so i couldnt take geometry over the summer and then one thing led to another. and they made me take chem cp over the summer when if i had waited, i wouldve been in honors chem. and now i would be in chem ap. well probably, but at least i wouldve had a chance. my mom acts like all the family's problems are my fault and that im the cause of all the problems. fine. watever. so why doesnt she just give me away or put me up for adoption like shes threatened to do so many times? because it doesnt matter. because the problem isnt just me. its her. and dad. im just around to be a scapegoat. right now im like a magikarp, for all you pokemon nerds like me. i get slapped aroudn, im weak and ineffectual, no matter how hard i fight or try i always lose. but piss me off enough, give me enough time, and im become a fucking gyarados that will hydro pump and dragon the shit out of all the people who gave me shit. wat also pisses me off is that she sets a limit on how much fun i can have. without a good reason. for example, i used to b only able to go out of the house with friends for 2 hours. why? not because i had things to do. all my hmwk and chores were done. it was a saturday. i would be home for dinner. its because she didnt want me to have fun or to taste freedom. thats why when im outside, i go crazy. i finally have freedom. im too pissed off to type anymore for right now. but maybe ill post something later tonite if i calm down. knowing my temper though, i wont.

difficult decisions

should i go to panel or should i focus on my college auditions? should i even try to audition for juilliard? wats the point? so many questions swirl through my brain. hopefully the retreat this weekend will give me some time to mull over these decisions.

hope

I'm not the most devout christian. im not gonna lie, I've fallen short of what God wants me to do many times. What happened today was something that i am proud of however. me and my friend were talking after school about another friend who smoked. not a lot, but still, even a little is terrible in my opinion. my friend then talked to him and asked him to stop. his new grlfriend also asked him to stop. and he did. lately, a lot of my friends have been turning to drugs and it really uplifts my soul to see someone turn away from them. and as for the basho, im definitely rusty. only ran a total of 3 miles in 45 mins. altogether i went 5 miles, but only 2 were running. 2 were walking. and i sprinted in bursts of of 100 meters. 13.98 secs is my personal best sprint time. i wish i was faster, but im getting there. im gonna go to chris kuos house in the morning and hopefully start to learn to bboy. night everyone.

breakdown

no im not having a breakdown. it was a reference to the song by epik high. its basically about the artists and they were captured by mobsters or whatever and they're being beaten for the amusement of the bosses. they rise up and turn the tables and destroy the mob bosses. so apparently im in a band now with my friend carina glasser. and apparently im also in a band with mjy good friend torin. im excited for both bands. after listening to breakdown all day today and yesterday, and listening to flow, i wanted to throw off my "chains" and "break free". so im going running for the first time in a little under a month. and by running, i mean 7-10 miles. very refreshing. kills my knees and ankles, but makes me stronger in the end. memories of basho basically means, memories of the joy or martial arts. basho is a kiyop. another example of a kiyop is when people yell hiya when they strike. most taekwondo artists say hut in a guttural voice but my masters and my friends started saying basho. master danny started it and since then, the tradition stuck. when i "basho" thats when i really mean business. also, ive been reminiscing(spelling?>.<) so much on my memories of basho that i forgot one thing. i can still "basho". maybe not as well. but i can still do it. and with that, im off to make more memories of basho.

lets see here. my day. i woke up at 4 40 to practice piano. ill be doing that for the next month. o goodie -__- my mom got angry at me for absolutely no reason this morning and pretty much ruined my morning. school was boring as usual. i got another haircut. i really like long hair. like asian pop star long hair. but they all have straight hair. and i...dont. so o well. ill have to find a good short hairstyle for me. i wish i was tanner tho. im waayyy too pale. anyways, after school i had rehearsal for the wiz, which was amazing as usual. i dont have any of the main parts, but its still fun. and ill probly have them next yr. and once again, my physical disabilities frustrate me greatly. my legs are messed up, but i really hate my speech impediment. theres a nerve thats been pinched off in my brain.the doctors pretty said that its my parents fault for raising me in such a negative environment. and now, i cant ever live a completely normal life. simple things like participating in class, making a friend, or even talking to a cute grl can be challenging tasks that often end with me being humiliated. if i dont become a musician, i will become a psychologist and find the cure. or maybe i would have to be a neurosurgeon to do that. idk. i really wanna get in shape. im a bit flabby and i havent dont martial arts in a while. but i guess piano has to come first for now. especially with panel and pit ogoing on at once. not to mention my juilliard audition pieces. im super excited for gospel camp this weekend. last time i went, it was super bomb. hopefully it is this time too. random thought that i just had: I HATE DRUGS. if you do drugs, i think you're dumb. i have friend who do drugs. my best friend did drugs for the first time not too long ago and did again....and again. im really afraid for him. i wanna find whoever sells him the drugs and the people he smokes with and beat them all down. another random fact/thought: i really like the songs high techonology by epik high and flow by epik high. they use the f word a lot. but i dont find it offensive. its just a word. if u censored it, it takes the passion out of the rap. i need to start to write about some more interesting things so if anyone wants to give me a topic, id be glad to write about it. but probly no one reads this anyways haha

super excited!!! rehearsal for the wiz in a few mins. ill probly post more tonite.

first day

my first day blogging. my goal for this blog is to just vent. write things here that bother me and just let them out. so lets start with today. i feel drained, discouraged, and frustrated. i have more emotions within me than those, but those are the primary ones. my body is breaking down. i fail to live up to my own expectations. i cant seem to overcome my inherent nature of laziness. frustrated at my lack of innate talent. worried about my panel test next month. i really want to go back to taekwondo. my mom wont pay for the tuition though. she says my grades are too low and i should have other priorities. shes partially right. but taekwondo gives me such joy. i was never really great at it, but last summer, i trained my ass off and i got stronger and faster. with my increase in skill also came an increase in happiness. but then school started >:-[ hopefully ill start muay thai with my friend bj soon. i have a lot of reasons for doing martial arts. the fun, the rush of the moment, the discipline it builds, and the sheer badass-ery. and i want to give my master a good fight someday. hes an asshole. but hes the closest thing to a brother/father figure ive ever had. someday hyung. someday. well, im off to eat dinner now. my moms a good cook but my dad asked her to make these chicken things that i hate. o well -__-