someone will pay

Love

Love in an interesting word. Love has no rational reason to exist. It makes us do things that are selfless and stupid, in the eyes of an animal that has to survive and carry on the line. What is love? you can define it. It's different for everyone. People say that teenagers are too quick to say i love you to their significant other. i disagree. i think that yes, this happens, quite often, but teenage love is possible. It's all around me. Jed is in love. So is Michael. So are many people who i just dont have the patience to list right now. And so am I. I dont know if this is a love meant to last. And sometimes, i doubt she even loves me, even though she says she does, but I know how i feel. And people who say that im wrong, are just plain ignorant. They dont know everything between me and her. They have no way of knowing. Besides, love is different for each of us. What me and her have might not be called love to somebody else. But that somebody isnt the one in love is he? its between me and her and really, they have no logical way to disprove that we are in love. I guess we are going through a rough patch though. i feel as if she is ashamed of me. she got mad at me for thinking that, but i have so much "Evidence" that she couldnt really counter. So, i dont know what im going to do. If shes reading this right now, i wanna say this to her. You are my everything. Even if you dont want me to love you so much in fear that i will get hurt. I know you have faults, you dont have to tell me, and i accept you. The entirety of you. With your faults. You give me so much hope in mankind and so much hope in myself. Every night at 11:11 i wish that you would just get over your problems and realize that you are so amazing and that you can do anything you want and you, not anyone else, controls you. Even though i may not show it all the time, i love you. She will probly never read this. and she will probly never believe this. Just like i dont believe that she truly loves me sometimes. But one can hope. To my brothers: kenny, justin, torin, michael, and jed, thank you. I could say so much to you about how you have helped me, but i already have to your face. you know how much you have helped me.

heart to heart conversations are too few these days. Torin, Jed, and I had one last night. Call us chicks or sentimental or whatever, but i enjoyed it. What i didnt enjoy was going to sleep at 6 am because we talked so much. What torin is going through and what he said pretty much exactly reminds me of myself. Im not super attractive. Im not really extraordinary in any sense. I think that torin is though. One of the smartest people i know. He's skinny, fit, and pretty ripped too. So, kind of like what I aim for in a way. To hear him say that he didnt think that he was particularly attractive or special in any sort of way made me think: maybe people do think that i am attractive or talented or whatever. I never really wanted to make that assumption because it seemed pretty arrogant. Theres a fine line between being realistic and optimistic, and arrogant. After yesterday, i realize that yes, i have my flaws, but i do have some advantages. What torin said about how the girl he liked being perfection and how perfection should have to settle for him got me thinking as well. What if someone out there thinks of us as "perfection"? thats scary and flattering to think about. What if one of the girls im interested in right now sees me in that light? it's so hard because theres no real foolproof way to tell. I do like some girls in my own grade, but most of the girls i am interested in are younger than me. i used to feel weird about this. i mean, im a whole 4 yrs older than a freshman. but then i thought, my parents are 10 yrs apart and there are plenty of couples like that in the world. So assuming that theyre in a younger grade, i guess i do have a few advantages that i never really considered. I'm a senior. im like the top dog. the fucking shit. i guess im kind of a badass sometimes. at least thats wat people say, idk why though. and i guess im decently popular and liked. i heard that it was a close thing when they voted on homecoming court. which really surprised me by the way. i didnt think anyone would vote for me. i guess im fit ish. im humorous, very dry humor, but humor is humor. my speech impediment seems like a major flaw, but something on formspring said that it was charming. im fairly musically educated. im decent at the piano. and by decent i mean that im pretty dam good for my age and i dont think theres anyone at school who is better than me, but im not professional quality...yet. i guess i can sing. i dont think i was placed correctly, but vocal ensemble has to mean something right? im getting sleepy, so ima take a nap now :)

senior year already! being a senior is awesome. you're the top dog lol. i have major senioritis. i could probably make it into cal state long beach or san diego state on piano. actually, im almost positive i could. but idk,, i kinda wanna go to el camino for 2 yrs. i dont feel like being super hardcore right out of high school. i wanna live a little. first day back was great. ive already met lots of cute girls hehe :3 i have friends in all of my classes. i feel a little self conscious in vocal ensemble because everyone is uber good and i feel like im a mortal in olympus. bass clarinet is actually really fun. im glad im doing it. bass trombone is NOT fun. it sucks major ballsac. like major, fat, saggy, sweaty ballsac :'( first day after school, i went to in and out with antonio and steven. hanging with different crowds. kinda like kenny. hopefully i make him proud. i wanna lose weight too, but im too lazy to do it lol. wow, this is really stream of consciousness writing. i wish i didnt have acne and i wish i had an even tan. most of all, i wish my speech impediment would disappear. its annoying as fuck and its embarassing, humiliating, and prevents me from being who i really am.

im fucking pissed off at life. without the small amount of self control martial arts has taught me, my house wouldnt be in one piece right now. i still feel that rage, hot and burning in me. next person to piss me off is gonna get my fist shoved down that throat, backed by the force of 17 years of injustice and rage.

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im gonna use tumblr from now on so i probly wont post here very often or again. the link is www.roshaxbasho.tumblr.com

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